It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
