Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she told me i tasted like america
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
