she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just cut my nipple shaving
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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