I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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