Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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