I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
