I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
