hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
