I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize