I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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