perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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