And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
