the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
