just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
