When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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