you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i out mim tonsoeep
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
