Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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