Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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