woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
