Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
