i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
