heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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