the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
