The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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