I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
