If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
