and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
