It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize