Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
