Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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