Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
