he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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