I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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