Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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