I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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