so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
