New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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