You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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