his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
