i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
