We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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