I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
