You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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