Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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