Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
