I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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