I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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