dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize