Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
