I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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