i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
