hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
