I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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