Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
