Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
