My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
