Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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