Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
