I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
