i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
